My Sanctuary where fears and lies melt away

moved to livejournal

2008-04-26T23:28:00.001+08:00

F.Y.I. I moved to livejournal.
http://joycec34.livejournal.com

if there's anyone who actually follows bah...

k cya, good bye.

Livejournal

2008-02-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

seems like everyone is headed there or moving there. damn. should i go make one too...
the communities do seem fun. but then... is there a reason to move.

I think tooooooooo much.

back again

2008-01-30T19:12:00.000+08:00

i don't know when it comes. it comes and goes as it likes.

is it darkness? emptiness? fear? distrust? contempt?

it's just a bad feeling from the bottom of my gut. and in the swarm of this feeling, i suddenly, once again, become aware of the more horrid side of the world. the filth, destruction, disharmony... ppl take on a darker form, ulterior motives can seem to exist. (i screen this out of my thoughts.)

I close my eyes and hold my hands out. there is thick gooey stuff in the air, it comes to my hands, seemingly attracted to it. The world suddenly feels so heavy. It feels like it's difficult to breath, though nothing has changed from just a minute ago. I feel the weight in my steps. The heart beating slowly.

There is clarity in this moment as much as an uneasy feeling. I used to fear these moments. now i have taken control and made use of these more contemplative moments. To be one with this is...unnerving. yet powerful. i feel strong. not invincible but it's almost there.

In these moments, i can do anything.
or can I?
when the darkest most twisted desires surface; perhaps this is what it is for me.

The opposing natures within any human being. it's so strong.

you're back again?
yeah, what of it?
nothing old friend. what are you up to each time anyway?
don't really know. what do you want?
...I want to know...more...
let me show you, if you dare.
not now, not today, not ever...hopefully.
I'll be waiting.
I'll be holding out.
someday... you'll give in.
perhaps. but not today.

Wasn't life suppose to be simple.
Not when I'm me apparently.
But then the actual living part is.

complex yet simple. oxymoron.

I won't let this take over. I don't deny this part of me but it can't be in power.
but can this be a body of power in itself?
A lot of movies and stories show the dangers of using something that is in its essence, tainted.

hmmm i can't leave it alone. can't ignore it. don't really want to. i...relish it?

The realization that anything is possible - all spectrum of actions - what does it do to a human mind who can probably only comprehend finite resolutions?

lalalala i'm distracted. shall work on lab report... organic chem!

-_-

2008-01-27T17:36:00.000+08:00

someone told me i seem to portray myself as a robot wrt to viewing ppl and emotions from a distance.

I don't aim to portray myself as such. but viewing things like i do makes me seem that way doesn't it. but then i don't let everyone find out anyway. just some.

Truth is for me...
feeling things is a dangerous thing. if i feel something...then it is important to me... then the feeling is overpowering, intense, passionate...
choosing to study the things that happen inside me from a distance returns control to my hands. I do think i am a control-freak to some extent.
Although... I am not completely afraid to lose control either. But a productive life(by society's standards) requires a well-adjusted, controlled human being. not one who runs amoke with how he/she feels. (in essense that would be a clouded judgement)

Hmmmm i didn't get a chance to explain that to the person.

anyway I might be too interested in that person anyway.

feeling something but not wanting to recognise it. life is easier without the complications but not much fun that way. time can pass peacefully or haphazardly... what a choice... i should perhaps continue observing. it's easier than getting involved. easier. easier.

But then my other side comes up and is like "this could be soooo much fun! you could learn so much! why not go throw the dice and see what happens?"

instability is a tempting proposition.
somehow when things are chaotic i strive to make it peaceful again. when it's (too) peaceful, I go look for 'trouble'. how stupid can i get?

the fluidity of time and space, actions and reactions... beautiful life is. infinite yet finite. confusing.

should go do homework properly.

I'm crazy, probably. hahahaha

I don't understand

2008-01-16T18:52:00.000+08:00

you shock me sometimes. just so unexpected. I never know what i'm suppose to expect from you.

sometimes i wonder if you know what you do or are just following a motion. rules pertaining how to act.

but you do make my day sometimes. just a little. the little instances where you show(maybe) that you care about me in some small way.
I didn't think you did.

i know i know, you don't like me the way i like you. but i can't help myself. it's painful for me. but i've already told you how i feel. i just wish you would tell me your point of view so i could begin to understand.

but today, even if things are on the weird side, i guess it's nice it's on the nice weird side. hopefully.

pleasantly surprised.

Pork Knuckle in Vinegar Part 1

2007-12-19T23:26:00.000+08:00

need --- about 2-3 handfulls of ginger(depending how much you like)
ratio of vinegar: water = 1:1
amount of vinegar usually starts at about 1 bottle(of er... i think it was 750-1000ml)
a pork knuckle and/or whatever meat you want.

total days is 3 days

1st day - fry all ginger till light brown on both sides(this helps prevent ginger from falling apart during boiling later), then set aside(fry longer for pregnant ppl, according to granny lol)
- pour vinegar and water into big pot and add ginger
- on big fire from 15mins. make sure not to boil it.
set aside till next day

that concludes part 1!

Shanghai hol and more thoughts

2007-12-16T21:27:00.000+08:00

Ahhhhh i freakin hate cold weather! and dry weather too! sucks ass
Traffic is scary... i should post pictures
food is cheap and good provided you eat local fare
exchange rate currently favorable to us so that's good
i met up with Aidi there whom i haven't seen since sec 2 so that's about 5 years?

I currently ADORE Singapore weather.
haha until i start remembering what it feels to sweat i guess haha

opps i already do.
first thing upon landing and getting out of aircon. ahhhhh i'm sweating! after so long! omg!

yuck...
haha

anyway i got a chance to visit the northwest airway's business class lounge at the Japan Narita Airport :P:P:P:P:P:P
cause my dad had to buy a business class ticket for me using his miles cause they were all out of economy. w00ts for me!
free flow beer and snacks and the place was... nice. lonely but nice...
strangely i felt at home there. safe. well safer than usual

alone feels right for me??? i'm so weird
i really loved that jap beer they were serving. ahhh smoothness in the throat. but after 2 glasses i was feeling the slightly disoriented feeling. took 1 more felt sleepy. i think i had about 4.5 tall glasses of beer. should put up pics too. maybe facebook...

What went on in my head while i was there?
I want to come back someday to one of these types of lounges on my own ability. i know it'll take work but it's one of those unique carrots i experience. i think.
I thanked my dad that day for making the 'mistake'. Cause i gained more than just a fun time and nice beer. I gained a small bit of fire called ambition.
I am terrified of what my mind can imagine and what i think i must sacrifice to gain my dream. it is my own fear; that i could be something more at a cost? i'm not talking about putting in time and effort into an enterprise but losing other things while doing that. friends? family? relationships? things that need time to foster and can fade if your time is put into something else. namely a career.
I don't know why i think so much either.

on the random side
i wonder if being myself alienates me from the current ppl i have around me and if showing parts(or being someone) that i know will be accepted alienates me from myself. should put it in a quote someday when i find the answer..
i shall declare this MY QUOTE IDEA mwhahahaha
trademark joyce chee hehe

i also have random instinct to befriend certain ppl(s). wonder why. maybe i should. it will be direct and strange for these ppl(s) but hey i'm not normal...right??

ahhhh i feel much better after talking to myself. i feel like telling someone though.

after thought... if i'm not myself then what am i?

NUS Sci club, school life...again? or not

2007-10-14T17:12:00.000+08:00

been such a long time since i blogged lol.

nus science... long time ago i thought it wasn't possible. long time ago meaning when i was in primary sch till jc 2. ...kid's thinking: if only the top ?% goes to uni there isn't a way for me to be one of them... is there? anyway so i got in. a little childhood dream so to speak.

anyway things that are happening wrt sch.
1. i'm trying to start up softball for girls in nus. damn it that last year it closed. so i have 6 girls now. i need 3-4 more to officially have formed a team! hopefully before this sem ends. i'm running out of steam cause...

2. i'm being an active member of sci club. i'm in sciencecamp, sports and publications com. scamp and sports i'm in publicity... scamp i'm head publicity?!... they give i take loh... since no one want...

first order of 'official' business... designing the email/poster-like thing for Sci Fac Games day. personally don't really have any idea what i'm doing. lol
unofficially working on ifg t-shirt design. pretty much done, but still needs tidying up.
note to self- fix eyes.

right, off to badminton. my dad has been booking court for 2 times a week badminton for a while now. at all the funny timings like wed night. fun la... but sometimes i'm thinking if that time should go to doing up my lab report. haha i love lab, hate report writing...well not all of it.
explaining chemical reactions is ok.

first sem is almost over.......

i'm starting to wonder if i should switch to livejournal. just too lazy.

been a while

2007-07-25T19:36:00.000+08:00

it's been so long since i last blogged.

today...
spent the afternoon cooking. seems like i do that every time i feel somewhat contemplative. (probably explains why i baked and cooked that much between studying for A levels)
I made oven baked onions, oven roasted chicken drumsticks and a failure of potatoes(too salty!).
The chicken and onions turned out ok though. hehe I realise i really hate the wok. i love the oven. and the bbq(charcoal style pls). Something about the kind of heat they give i think. it's warming. and much more fun to me.

Haven't finished reading Deathly Hallows, only halfway through. really taking my time with this one. haha

What has been happening recently...
Well after the camps of course got OG outing loh... then stayed out quite late till 12+ 1+ kind... heh got on the bad side of my parents who are REALLY not used to the idea of me getting older i think. I'm the oldest and a girl at that so ya i understand their worry... Anyway they told me that if i cross the 11pm curfew again i'm gonna be locked out of the house. Oh well... probably means i'll never get to go clubbing again.
Which i really kinda like, be it the dancing part the drinking part or the observing hot bods part. :P The cool thing about being bisexual but more on the homo side is being able to appreciate both male and female beauty. though i think females seem to be rather attuned to other females but guys don't really mention other 'hot guys'... haha i wonder why. Anyway I notice myself very afraid to dance with either sex individually though. Afraid of contact? XP
"Scorpios are secretive riggggghhhht?" ahhh my og mate said that when we were on the topic of horoscopes and it came up that i am a Scorpio

Thinking about this makes me realize that I'm secretive(yes i agree with the horoscope description of me, if it didn't have any remarkable coincidences anyway it wouldn't have existed till now) not i the sense that i keep things that have happened to me from others(be it my friends or family). Rather my secrets lie in my desires and stuff that might make me appear vulnerable. Also stuff that might not fit in with the norm. haha

opps dinner. blog some other time

a different kind of war

2007-04-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

I am lucky, it seems.
I am born in Singapore in a time of opportunity devoid of the military conflict my ancestors faced.

Their time was a relentless quest for survival by almost any means necessary.
My time is the time where I get to enjoy the peace brought on by their sacrifice.

Still in every age there is conflict, a war to fight.
To me there is no such thing as an idle mind.
To me the mind is a source of 'energy' that continuously expands and would probably implode on itself with nothing to 'power'.
Talking about myself now...

Since I don't have to worry about survival in the physical sense, my mind becomes directed at other things to improve on my standard of living.
Values Beliefs Faiths Traditions Rules Standards Morality
It is an internal war, figuring out what it means to live and be alive.
What has Meaning?

I can't really put my ideas and feelings to word well... I just feel like...hmmm my parents think we've got it good compared to them but they seem to fail to realise every generation comes with it's own problems. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting something intangible but I can't quite put my finger on it. OR is it because I want to fight? Some sort of primordial instinct? haha

Maybe I just think too much lol :P

lovely passage

2007-04-01T21:27:00.001+08:00

I was watching Coach Carter on HBO and heard this passage. I like it alot. Here it is:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Music

2007-03-23T21:24:00.000+08:00

Have you ever noticed that people sometimes listen only to certain kinds/types music?

I was just taking the bus today and happened to be listening to Linkin Park music when I realised none of my close friends listen to this.

Why, I asked myself. Perhaps they are unable to relate to the songs. Why so? Did they grow up very differently? Faced different challenges? Does music taste relate to who we have become in terms of our experiences?

All theoritical. It's only cause I seem to add in more types of music and leave behind some as I grow up and some things happen to me. I know what I listen to relates to a part of what I remember and feel in my life. The more often I listen to something the more it means the memory(ies) and feeling(s) it is connected to is important to me and of deep impact on me. haha

k just bored. hope this entertains.

Tell Me Baby

2007-03-14T20:55:00.000+08:00

By Red Hot Chilli Peppers

They come from every state to find
Some dreams were meant to be declined
Tell the man what did you have in mind
What have you come to do

No turning water into wine
No learning while you're in the line
I'll take you to the broken sign
You see the lights are blue

Come and get it
Lost it at the city limit
Say goodbye
Cause they will find a way to trim it
Everybody
Lookin' for a silly gimmick
Gotta get away
Can't take it for another minute

This town is made of many things
Just look at what the current brings
So high it's only promising
This place was made on you

Tell me baby what's your story
Where you come from
And where you wanna go this time
Tell me lover are you lonely
The thing we need is
Never all that hard to find
Tell me baby what's your story
Where do you come from
And where you wanna go this time
Your so lovely are you lonely
Giving up on the innocence you left behind

Some claim to have the fortitude
To shrewd to blow the interlude
Sustaining pain to set a mood
Step out to be renewed

I'll move you like a baritone
Jungle brothers on the microphone
Getting over with an undertone
It's time to turn to stone

Chitty chitty baby
When your nose is in the nitty gritty
Life could be a little sweet
But life could be a little shitty
What a pity
Boston and a kansas city
Looking for a hundred
But you only ever found a fitty

Three fingers in the honeycomb
You ring just like a xylophone
Devoted to the chromosome
The day that you left home

Hard To Concentrate

2007-03-12T19:41:00.000+08:00

By Red Hot Chilli Peppers

hustle, bustle and so much muscle awww
cells about to separate
and i find it hard to concentrate and

temporary this cash and carry
i'm stepping up to indicate
the time has come to deviate and

all i want is for you to be happy and
take this moment to make you my family and
finally you have found something perfect and
finally you have found

death defying this mess i'm buying
it's raining down with love and hate
and i find it hard to motivate and

estuary is blessed but scary your
heart's about to palpitate
and i'm not about to hesitate and

one to treasure the rest of your days here and
give you pleasure in so many ways dear and
finally you have found something perfect and
finally you have found......here we go

do you want me to show up for duty and
serve this woman and honor her beauty and
finally you have found something perfect and
finally you have found......yourself

with me....will you...agree...to take
this man...into your world
and now...we are as one

my lone ranger the heat exchanger
is living in this figure eight
and i'll do my best to recreate and

sweet precision and soft collision awww
hearts about to palpitate
and i find it hard to seperate and

all i want is for you to be happy and
take this woman and make you my family and
finally you have found someone perfect and
finally you have found...

all i want is for you to be happy and
take this woman and make you my family and
finally you have found someone perfect and
finally you have found...yourself

Red Hot Chilli Peppers

2007-03-12T18:54:00.000+08:00

Got their album at long last.
Stadium Arcadium
it rocks!

other than that nothing much is happening.

I like the song Hard To Concentrate
I shall find a stream but i shall put up the song lyrics first
opps dinner!

shall post on the next post later tonight

where paths diverge

2007-03-03T22:15:00.000+08:00

so A levels is really over now,
results out
i guess i surprised myself a little
how funny
a year ago
i never thought i would make it
now it seems i will...

surreal

i'm really happy

i'm either doing applied chemistry or chemistry
but applied chem seems more practical
besides, more calculations? i like hehe

k shall see how this goes

going to apply to NTU, NUS and UNSW-New South Wales
see how it goes
still i'm more into NUS

it got KENDO and SOFTBALL!
heeee

cny eve reunion lunch

2007-02-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

this year the lunch was at my place. so 3 families eating gigantic amounts of food, steamboat stuff.

wuuu the mess. the food. the drinks.

so i had leftovers for dinner after haha
mmmm

i'm gonna get fatter. argh!!!

but food soooo good. haha :P

randomness

2007-02-17T21:12:00.000+08:00

just letting my mind wander some again

trust not your heart for it can waver
trust not your mind for it can be blind-sided

so who CAN we trust. or perhaps what?

truth is we all just keep faith in what we know and are familier with. make do with what you have right? those doubts can keep going and going deep inside but the only way to keep living with a sense of hope is to ignore them and just believe eh?

what's the point of wallowing in the darkness of your own mind. i think it is better to keep moving forward and adding to hope and faith with every bit of time i have in my life.

not to say that i have perfect optimism. i have my cynical moments and moments when i feel total distrust as to my fate in this world and what i'm suppose to do with myself. i think everyone sort of goes through it.

i am jealous of those pple who say life's okay, cause they are probably satisfied with what they have.

i heard that line in a game by the way. 'you say it's okay because you are satisfied with what you have' says the character's brother. the character thinks ' am i, really?'

anyway so this is a random posting. heh :D

quick post

2007-02-11T09:52:00.000+08:00

my right shoulder... it hurts...

yesterday at night, it just started acting up.
could my shoulder have gotten inflamation so late? haha

ouch...

i should get it checked. see when la.
wonder if the pain will just go away

my mom wants me to take pain killers. i don't want. don't like.

Grey's Anatomy is super funny. watch!

i'm so not fearless. i'm just single-minded to the point of recklessness(i got this line off a movie i think) haha

over at the neighbour's

2007-02-07T22:07:00.000+08:00

haha using my neighbour's com to blog.
it's now 22.12h
and she's grooving to Justin Timberlake's Sexyback
lol funny neighbour
nice place too. at least her room is neater than mine lol
late now, it's 22.18. i should head back to sleep soon.

funny stuff today.

hmmm baking on sat. chocolate chip and walnut cookies. i think. haha
see how it'll turn out la.

ikea and snake

2007-02-04T21:55:00.000+08:00

today...

today i woke up at 6.15, rolled in bed till 6.45 then got up to washup.
we left for badminton in Tampines at 7.30. met up with cousins and proceeded to play badminton for an hour from 9 till 10.
went back to cousins' and showered, then went to ikea tampines for lunch and some shopping.

somehow it is fun to look at the furniture and wonder what it would be like to redecorate your room. heh
the snakes were on offer: 1.90 each. so my dad offered and we all got a snake haha.
they are kinda cute. so now i got a looooong thing sticking it's tongue out on my bed.

as usual my little brother Jason changes his mind about the snake and grims that he doesn't have one. I can't believe he cries over it and so my dad volunteers to give Jason his own snake.

anyway, by this time we have sent our cousins and aunt back home and were on our way to visit my mother's side granny. she only speaks hainanese and so we have trouble communicating. but she is always nice and offers food and drink. i kind of understand what she is saying but i can only respond in chinese which she also kind of understands.

we went home after. then i decided i want to bake a choc cake next sat.
strangely my brother Wilson prefers i make my choc chip cookies( he likes them?!!)
so i get my mom to bring me to shop for baking goods after dinner(by then already 6.30)
and my mom gets my dad to be the financial supporter heh :P

shopping shopping... then home again

watch singapore against thailand match(draw 1-1 so singapore wins by aggregate points)
shower then type this blog entry which for once shows roughly how i spend my day.

well since i am now done typing ( 10.41pm), i can go to sleep.
*note that some details in daily life were left out to ensure confidentiality of individuals*
heh
like anyone reads this crap

i have a rather boring outer life it seems. and then my inner mind is warped and confusing to type about. meh i should finish my letter to an important friend of mine. instead of typing blog entries that contribute nothing to society except another pile of words floating in cyberspace

note: O levels out next thur/fri so i think A levels... won't be too far behind. YIKES! haaaaa

i am too random am i? should i be more predictable? but in my randomness i am predictable...you can predict my randomness ahhahah

random: i don't like how some pple don't answer qns directly and take a roundabout route to answer.
maybe it's my fault for being too confrontational...

...

2007-02-02T22:27:00.000+08:00

i fell on my butt and my knees time and again trying to go up the darn half pipe.
so i'm not ready for it.

i think the path ahead is full of pain heh

trying out

2007-01-28T12:27:00.000+08:00

sooo i just got myself a pair of aggressive skates. haaa what was i thinking
i expect a lot of fear even before i try to cruise down the half pipe heh
so i got the gear... now i just got to learn how to stop and i'm ready to go!
aggressive skates just don't come with brakes heh

i think a part of me just wants a way to materialise inner demons and overcome them somehow. haaa i guess taking up such a sport will do the trick

i just hope the guys i sometimes see at the skatepark when i pass by will help me when i ask haha.

so anyone who wants to take up an extreme sport like skateboarding or aggro skating can go to Spitfire at Peninsula Shopping Centre which is next to Funan IT mall. They are the official distributors of Roces(pronouced 'Roaches' and their logo is a roach haa) which is a preeetty good brand. tried and tested. try to get when on offer. she'll suggest what and what etc...

k so i just researched and found out bishan park have a skatepark! yes! and here i thought i had to go all the way to orchard just to skate the ramp.

soooo maybe i'm a bit crazy and daring for all this. haha so long i avoid broken arm and stuff.
k i hope the bishan skatepark hasn't closed or something. don't know why i pass by in a car never see before at all.

recalling the past

2007-01-17T22:30:00.000+08:00

does history travel in a circle or a straight line? is it only a mobius strip that always returns to where it began?

anyway was just thinking about my 2005 orientation and being all nostalgic about it. so i went on youtube to look for videos! and there are some!
I'm totally pimping it. consider it a tribute to one of my awesome orientation leaders, wan hua who is dancing in the video.

part one -->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-ffSD03Zk0
part two -->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRpI53Ub_Ks
part three-->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9mXhcfM8DE

sooo it's only mass dance. haha it was a part of the whole experience.

so history does repeat itself, new students every year getting that orientation experience.
but does it also move forward at the same time?

2 days off!!! cause docs have a seminar
yippee!

routines

2006-12-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

work had now become a routine. in a way it was scary to wake up at 7 and think "hell i'm going to be late for work!" only to realise it was a sat and there is no work. haaaaa

2 weeks now... it is kind of cool knowing i'm earning cash. still i don't get paid till 25th of every month... long wait...oh well...

christmas is coming again... i guess when you get older some things lose their magic? it isn't so special anymore. still looking back on the memories brings a smile to my face, a nostalgic feeling just comes in and out. then you realise time has already left and you're living the present. *shrugs

i think too much haixx...

should i or should i not... i need to speak to you and find out what you think but i'm not sure about the practicality of such an action.is there any meaning in talking at all?

it makes me wonder about the usefulness of language. perhaps words get in the way of true communication? still life woulden't be much fun if it wasn't so darn complicated, right down to how we interact with other pple.

question why pple need to interact with others is quite interesting too...
it seems we are unable to accept our own abilities/strengths etc unless another person confirms it in us first and supports us for it. before we dare say we are good, we need an external party to validate and support such a claim. so no matter what we do, it is weighed and measured either consciously or subconsiously.

ok i'm going too far off... i'm going to stop and continue writing christmas cards. haha

1st job!

2006-11-24T18:56:00.000+08:00

Right i got my first job. and i start next week monday all the way till next yeah 26th May 2007

At Tan Tock Seng Hospital being a PSA - Patient Service Associate

Excited and Scared at the same time. The same feeling before pitching in a game. Always wondering if i'll meet with the expectation, whether i'll screw up. haha such uncertainty always.

But somehow i always manage to jump head first into it and just get through it.
I'll just have to constantly remind myself to learn learn and learn somemore from all my mistakes.

I'll do my best!

So forgive me if i keep telling you i'm too busy to make it for anything. Working life!

...I realise i just signed away my holidays... oh well

now what

2006-11-14T21:59:00.000+08:00

well just a few days more to 'freedom' from studying for a while. still what does that mean? I'm too used to following a set path as dictated by society.(sometimes i rather think it is the gov that is doing the thinking for me a bit haha) cause i got a mind of my own

doing nothing when there is something to do is strangely satisfying. haha i really got to find that book on idleness. anyway, just 3 more papers to go... econs paper 1 and 2 and chem paper 1. arghhhhhh then... i'm lost

just give me something worth living for
or do i already have it already

living just cause you are alive is pretty redundent
lets not think of higher moral purpose or whatever
what small thing could make living worth-while?

Just your smile and yours and yours too,
every person around me.
All i need to know is my existence makes your existence a little more bearable.

haha reminds me of stuff i read on www.sayoni.com
I'm the kind of person that puts everyone's needs above my own am i?
a friend was telling me how i shoulden't think of myself as 'unworthy' of others' attention.
How i should treat myself better, how everyone sometimes beats themselves up too much
haha easier said than done cause sometimes i think i really have nothing to give to someone else except my humour, my psychoness and sometimes my outright boldness. And to me such things are of little worth; they are not very useful in times of crisis; I am unable to help my friends with such 'talents'. In short I always wonder what kind of change i can affect or what can i do for another like this.

I don't think pple are suppose to question their worth all the time cause it will really break your mind down to nothing if everything suddenly became nothing at all.
Stop the thinking to save your sanity.
just enjoy the here and now cause it won't happen again.
It can be tormenting to be so optimistic but still consider the possibilities of the null.

like some pple say, philosopohy is not for actual use haha

Still the issue of gradnite. haha maybe i should just take up the suggestion and go in jeans and tshirt. like WHO CARES! haha maybe i do, maybe i don't. less of a hassle if i did that. *shrugs

just see first i guess.

the uncomfortable feeling from 2 years back is back haaaaaa

I think life is quite simple if you did what you thought was right for you all the time.
If you knew what's right for you that is

It appears how to choose the choice is easy, however there is imperfect information hence your perceptions are inaccurate all the time. wahhhhh forget it, better stop. now.

how do i have this much 'random thoughts'? end.

one week more!

2006-11-11T21:33:00.000+08:00

one more week to go and this A levels will be done with! yeah!

still what am i gonna do after that?

somehow it feels weird not to have a nearby deadline to 'look forward to'.

sigh, i'm gonna die for econs
or survive barely... i just hope it doesn't turn out like my o level literature...
from pass to fail sigh...

I just hope to clear econs decently, like a C or something. even a D would be ok... E? sigh... A level pass can la hor....

chemistry... i hope the arrows i shot hit some targets, it's damn stupid to know your stuff but not get the marks cause you don't know what the examiners want... like...what are they looking for anyway? I guess i'm just not practising enough if that is the case.

The following are more random thoughts that show how my mind twists and turns on itself...

It's even more stupid that all our studies is not mainly about learning or enriching ourselves..instead it is turned towards the more mundane and simplistic aim of getting marks for a desired grade... It would be cool if a school like the Greeks had might happen. to learn everything under the Sun for the plain pursuit of knowledge. Of course...they had slaves to do the work... so we can't have that in our modern and utterly materalistic way of living... knowledge is turned towards the applicable and useful.

Perhaps it is the right way; afterall, human beings are of the material therefore, what we have should be tied to that plane. It is interesting that our curiousity leads us to question that which we cannot see but believe to exist. But that kind of knowledge... what use is it to us who should have no conflict with that field? Is it not enough to hold respect for whatever creature exists in that realm? Ahhhh, Man's curiousity knows no bounds.

How does this link to my memory of the GP question on Infinite Wisdom and Infinite Error?

In my view, pursuit of infinite wisdom leads to the possibility of infinite error... It is my belief that everything has a certain price(somehow my dad's ideas of 'No Free Lunch' comes to mind) and the gain of infinite wisdom leads to the price of infinite error: The possibility of using that knowledge to infinite harm. Afterall, human beings have in them the nature to both create and destroy, and many a times it is only after great destruction that our ability to create is best shone.

Dang why do i do this all the time... thinking random stuff that is of no practical use
hahaaaa It is pretty amusing, how i am to myself.

uuuuu freaking full of pizza and chicken... i'm so unfit now haha
shall put exercise at the top of my list for the After As List heeeee

so...18

2006-11-05T14:29:00.000+08:00

hmmm yesterday was my birthday so now i am 18.

doesnt feel any different. heee but i am very tempted to try buying alcohol now.

still sucks, this timing. It isnt like my brothers who have theirs in the holidays. June and Dec. Sucks...

ahhhhh doing maths, econs or chem feels so futile. i feel like i have become a pool of stagnant water. no energy, not going anyway, collecting algae. haha turning green? ok too much

I'm going to keep moving on though. got to keep practising till everything is over for good.

I am thankful for everyone who remembered; it is a nice thing to get just a simple 'happy birthday' when everything is just so hectic.

still... ah well i'm sure they got their reasons...
disappointment, anger, sadness, gratefulness, satisfaction, happiness...
gifts and curses in just one day haha
guess people just can't remember everything, we are all flawed so they are forgiven already.

hehe brilliant excuse to have some fun after the A levels. *rubs hands together in a sinister manner* fwahaha mwahahah

1st day

2006-11-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

GP exam...
is B3 just a hope? will i fail?
anyhow, one paper down. just more to go yeah!

freak sian liao... and it's just the start...

for those interested to keep options open on degree choices,
www.psbacademy.edu.sg

daydreaming

2006-10-20T23:07:00.000+08:00

I have this tendency to daydream and wonder about things in between studying haha.

Anyway...

It is easier probably to show people what they want to see compared to what you want them to see. I guess it is just how we all percieve the world, a joining between what we want reality to be and what reality is; in the end we see only the part of the 'Truth' that we want. While incomplete it is just beyond us to see everything in its entirety; philosophically it is not possible anyway to percieve the 'Whole Truth'. Our senses can decieve us, our minds can believe in false things, our emotions can makes us be irrational in thinking; we are but mortal after all. While this seems to be a gloomy outlook, it is my belief that hope might just play the saviour in such times. It is too hard to live just focusing on the negative aspects of living in the 21st century; we want to...nay, need to trust that things will get better. It is this tiny thing in human beings, something seemingly so insignificant, that make us unique...that and that we recognise we are dying/can die. It doesn't matter why we are alive or what we are sometimes. Well at least to me all that matters is how. how we live is all we should care about right? Is it? Cause through that we just might get an insight to everything else... just may be

phew got that out

er... mundane matters, I wanna watch Step Up!!! Damn i shall have to buy the dvd which i really hope will be out in Singapore. Cool dancing as usual, reminds me of the movie Honey which was also based in dancing. heee i just think being able to dance is sooooo cool. However i don't see myself as a dancer, rather be learning kendo hee.

Freak i barely got work done today...ok i did NOTHING. And it felt GOOD... argh ok i really must PUSH ON.

So

2006-10-19T23:16:00.000+08:00

It's mind numbing to study 8 hours straight, i really don't have that kinda stamina man haha
well so for once in my life i STUDY proper haha
i suspect whether it'll all work out.
Is hope but an illusion?

next up hmmm
i make pple feel uncomfortable? Is it me being blunt that is the killing point? or somehow i project a negative thing towards certain pple? haha...

I always laugh and pretend nothing is wrong don't i when i myself am uncomfortable with what i do to pple sometimes.

It scares me how much i enjoy freaking pple out. how i experience a slight thrill from unsettling pple.

How can something so wrong feel so right eh? mwahahaha i recognise my 'evil' side
so that i might fight it!

Am i stressed out right now? Maybe i'm just stressed out that i don't feel the sense of urgency even when i KNOW it's just 2 weeks to the A levels.

I think at this point, think less do more is the better option. Better to be robot for just this once and feel nothing but a purpose in fulfilling an objective.

Sometimes i really don't want to feel. We hurt so that we know what happy and good feels like? crap, so on with the yin and yang of life... but how can abscence of hurt mean you feel good? how does abscence of good mean bad? I stand on the middle ground, nothing is there. isn't the 'Zen' existence better? Peace in this moment of contemplation.

Well so my thoughts are now in bits and pieces, like the state of my mind. hopefully my knowledge and skills are not so.

Magic begins with a word; Music begins with a voice.
-Ishmahri from Dragon Quest: Journey of the Cursed King

so

2006-10-15T14:08:00.000+08:00

well i've been working and resting too much at the same time.
seems that it is only late at night that i can really do stuff but that's bad cause exams are not at night. haha
i resolve to do all the statistics of the maths papers i have haha. just lots of schools to go.
i must make myself write them econs essays and gp work. argh. i must i must
there are things to do but i feel no urgency. this sucks.

work work, i sound like a grunt orc from warcraft. haha

i really rather be the nature loving elves. especially cool that they can blend into the darkness. :D

somehow

2006-09-28T19:15:00.000+08:00

somehow i slept at 1030pm to wake at 10am.
somehow no matter how i try to continue to sleep with my head on the pillow, whenever i open my eyes, my head is on a bolster instead. terrible

anyway, finally dug myself out of the strangle hold of bed eventually. guess i did a little bit of work today considering i kept redoing the bloody titration calculations because i was too lazy to find out what the hell went wrong(later i find out it's some funny careless error like reading ClO- to be ClO3- cause the equation for qn 3 being written right on top of qn 4.)
I can never get how my brain can analyse and see things like that. sigh how to be a good chemist when one is so utterly careless is unimaginable, i'll end up blowing things up more like...not that i won't actually enjoy seeing it happen...somehow maybe i should consider working in some chemical weapons industry instead...esp explosions. a fetish almost haha

"...a chemist cannot accept any error in the calculations, could mean billions of dollars etc...
must be perfect in it etc... perfection is the key etc..."
I wonder where the belief in those words went. i remember back then how i worked hard to become really good at chemistry, a fail to an A haha
because of those words/or something along those lines... do i really have a dream of my own? was i taken in by my dear chem teacher's passion for chemistry in sec sch and wanting to feel the same about something took it in and made it my own, or tried to but failed? was i but decieving myself? i know i do like studying chemistry but do i really have the same passion she does? do i have a passion at all for what i do? haha lost now with the loss of child-like faith, or was it blind faith?

i continue to search eh? I do like chemistry, enjoy what it can do, appreciate the intricate details that comes in industry... but the fire seems small if not lacking.

anyway... count down to A levels continues... 30+ days? ai...what will come, will come, unavoidable fate...

prelims count : Chemistry C
Maths D

life continues, but am i living?

Bleach

2006-09-25T13:56:00.000+08:00

been watching Bleach(an anime) these past few days haha totally slacked now
I hope i can get back on my feet and study

anyway i like the second opening song( i think changes at about episode26 or something) so just going to put the translation here

...

You've been hurt by unspeakable pain and sadness
Let's carry each other's indelible strains
Don't give up on living!

I held your hand.

Will I end up losing them someday?
I want to protect you and your fading smile, so...

Even if the resounding voice calling me should wither..
Even if the mingling winds should tell me...
I will find you!

You've been hurt by unspeakable pain and sadness, but...
Don't say things like "I can't laugh" or "I hate people."
There's meaning in everything that happens in the unseen future,
So stay as you are for now, I know there'll come a time when you realise it.

You and Me, two are spoken.

Someday we'll understand each other.

fear

2006-09-23T22:01:00.000+08:00

I guess the only thing that really shakes me up is myself.
my imagination leads to some dark alleys
my boldness makes me realise how possible such things are in my hands.
I am afraid of myself and what i can do.
I am like the moth that nears the fire, intrigued by its brilliance, only to burn for ignoring the consequences of touching the flame.
Except i am not attracted by light...something else
Anakin to the dark side of the Force haha (how i identify with all these fallen villians/heros)
but i am no hero.
Restraint is practised everyday. When does it fail? When do i LET it fail?
It is tempting for i sense the ultimate freedom in living behind whatever is human intelligence in favour of animal instincts. Yet it seems also a cage for if thought is lost, limits are imposed through lost of imagination of the human mind.

wtf why does my mind wonder here now? Thinking is so unhealthy sometimes...

side note, learning to skateboard is really satisfying. Been practising the ollie some, took some deep breaths to manage to get myself to ignore my usual need to stay on firm ground and just jump! wuuuu! scary but fun stuff!
need to get better protective gear and a helmet... ah well...

Out in the Sun

2006-09-23T09:17:00.000+08:00

Argh lost the last post. so this is just a repeat

went to the beach on thur with the class. Sentosa! now my whole body is aching cause of running on the sand for hours. haha but it was good fun!

fri went to the Esplanade with rachel to see the OCBC art exhibit! quite cool stuff, too bad it's closing on 24th September

rachel was damn funny too haha who would have known eh?

nice dreams i had last night. ahhhh

somewhere in between

2006-09-15T22:19:00.000+08:00

somewhere between asking how my friends at AC did and thinking about how i will do

I realised

how redundent it is to ask what the grades are when they are ever changing and truely unimportant in the greater scheme of things: the process of learning

instead of focusing on something so insignificant in an exam
we should ask how the candidate feels after getting the results, whether he is happy with what he got for what he put in. In earnest, we should ask about the level of satisfaction of our friends, not compare grades.

Yes no one could possibly be satisfied till they got it PERFECT could they? ok maybe not me...I mean you just need say 75%++ marks to get an A, not 100%.
On the other hand, there is a joy to feeling you are a master at the subject, an intellectual enjoyment.

Hell I'm doing statistics so i'm bored. blogging takes my mind off things. it's fun to air all the thoughts.

Still it's weird how pple like to ask "What job ya do?" or "What degree/major would you pursue?" Is this materialistic? These things do not dictate who you are. It is but what you do...

heck thoughts thoughts are all i've got during this period when i have to study but everything seems so trivial. They always have been but the magnitude of our foolishness jumps out at me during such periods especially. The more hectic things are SUPPOSE to be, the more i slow down to smell the flowers or watch the stars.

time time time timing

wrong wrong wrong just bad

losing a sense of me in the sense of all around me

so far

2006-09-14T17:19:00.000+08:00

so far prelims has been exciting :D

It's been a while since i've had this much fun. maybe i'm a psycho after all. haha

still got obvious key areas i need to work on for all my subjects. hmmm time management is still an issue.

well tue and it will be all over for a now.

i'm most worried about the condition of my gp file really haha. prelims is nothing compared toooooooooooo... ah well

live

side note, prodded by a friend, went to do a bit of research.

It's not consiousness that makes us human, rather it is our ability to emphatise? To quote : "empathy, the ability to observe the feelings of another and take them on as your own."
http://www.tparents.org/Library/Unification/Publications/C-Uth/C-Uth-13.htm

Anyway doesn't matter.

I wonder what kind of dream(s) each of us have.

sigh i want to know yours, won't you share it with me or do you not have enough time for yourself to actually think of one?

one of my small dreams is to listen to other pple's dreams.
A small trickle of light dreams are eh? :D

darn it

2006-09-09T14:02:00.000+08:00

I swear sweaty palms is a curse. Wish i could get rid of it.

First of all whenever i write, without the aircon on i start to leave marks on my work(since i use pencil).

Secondly, i can't shake hands with pple without first drying them.

Thirdly, ruins pitching haha (though maybe that doesn't matter anymore)

finally, no matter how hard i try, i can't stop them from being the tell tail sign that i'm nervous, afraid or whatever other emotion.

Maybe it's me or is it everybody? nobody wants to show 'signs of weakness'?
how to put it...
I want pple to understand and care about me but I reject pity and sympathy. I want someone to see things from my side, in my shoes, to know some of what i feel and think.

But then i don't really know what i want of sorts. I guess if someone asked me about things i would tell. Still i wonder if what another being thinks and feels means anything. The well-being of one person... how is that important... All I know is seeing another smile makes me feel a little better about the world

Still, cynical is the teenager in today's world. It's hard to stay optimistic.

Does every person go through this sort of crisis? haha I bet.
However every person faces it differently. Unfortunate i choose to think about it. Facing it at this age is crazy when the answers may never come without time spent living.

It's amazing how far i can deviate haha

Side stuff: Went for Westlife Face to Face concert yesterday!!! Banging fun! There was this eurasian really enjoying it i think cause he started DANCING in front of his seat. Something along the lines of Ricky Martin style. haha I was singing along with all the songs i knew. Good fun there. Probably the only time i'll sing out that loud.
I hope Bon Jovi comes to Singapore someday. I wanna go for their concert. Should be really high energy like last night. heeee

real life: I got THE PRELIMS and i feel nothing for it. I think i'll do quite badly. only time will tell in the end. Personally i like taking the papers, don't like the before and after of waiting though.

I've also been listening to Jay Chou's songs. some i get, some i don't, all are nice in their own way. Sadness in lots...

Life goes on as they say, i should finish reviewing nj prelim 2005 chem paper 3 now.

Still i can't get myself to sit still for very long lalalalala
See why i'm blogging, NOT looking at work haha

lalalalalala

2006-09-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

prelims... mug... become zombies...mug...
haha... eat up more texts... swallow more exercises...
become the...ultimate mugging zombie yeah...

haha... Life is made simple by not living it.
minus the thinking and feeling, living might actually be easy! but would that be counted as living at all? haha is living a biological thing of feeding and propagating and staying physically alive or more? intellect serves to complicate matters doesn't it. Thinking is probably the easiest way to make things difficult sometimes. haha

my brain fries in a batter. malfunction... blew a fuse liao, what with all the garbage that is coming out right now of all times. sleep, should sleep now...

of bad dreams

2006-09-01T06:06:00.000+08:00

there have been times when parts of my dreams(refering to sleep time stuff) became true in real life, nightmares not yet.
this is one bad dream i hope doesn't happen.
In this dream last night, the person i like who doesn't like me back replied me online that "I thought you were above letting yourself getting hurt by emotions, or getting hurt at all."
I can't remember much of the rest of the dream. But this line stuck out somehow. Since dreams are a reflection of your inner thoughts
Is this me screaming at myself for not allowing people to know what i am feeling? or me thinking that nothing will come of this?

On a side note, that was the best rest i have had in the longest time haha.
Ironic. haix

Snow Patrol

2006-08-29T22:36:00.000+08:00

Yeah got Snow Patrol now!
Eyes Open album. Beautiful songs yeah!

I like Shut Your Eyes, It's Beginning to Get to Me, Chasing Cars and You're All That I Have
Best Song for current mood Shut Your Eyes

Shut Your Eyes-Snow Patrol (Eyes Open)
Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place,
you're our secret space at will

Shut your eyes, I spin the big chair
And you'll feel dizzy, light, and free
And falling gently on the cushion
You can come and sing to me

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place,
you're our secret space at will

(Shut your eyes [x4])

Shut your eyes and sing to me

(Shut your eyes and sing to me) [x4]

Good luck to all for coming exams yeah. Whenever you feel like it's too much just shut your eyes and will yourself to a special place with no worries. :)
Or just go to that special place if it is reachable! Yeah
And so commences the last sprint to that new beginning.

All right new music into ipod

2006-08-24T20:23:00.000+08:00

hum hum got some new tunes to sing to. yippee!
Anyway i have been listening lots to Nick Lachey's album-What's Left of Me
especially to the following songs:
On Your Own
Shades of Blue
Beautiful
I Do It For You
Run To Me
You're Not Alone

So basically half the album haha
anyway of these i listen to Beautiful and I Do It For You the most
Funny when the song i should be listening to is Resolution.

Sometimes it's like that, you know you got to do something else but somehow you are compelled towards another direction. Like how when i'm writing essays and somehow when i'm suppose to write 'there', i only write 'the' and continue the sentence without even noticing it. It's weird really. Does it mean i am not concentrating enough? haha It costs me marks in GP dang it.

I see the world with a sense of clarity i didn't have in sec sch.
The Veil removed, the truth exposed, the disillusioned soul.
It is sad that we are unable to preserve our child-like character through the years of growth. Sure, the 'problem' of ignorance is lessened with age but i think we somehow lose a sense of wonder for the world. The recognition of the simple joys of colours, sound, Life seems to diminish; they are taken for granted. Isn't it sad that only when we grow old and lose our sight, hearing and vitality that we begin to look back at the lost years with nostalgia? We should have a 'Become Old' day. We shall where glasses that mess up our eyesight for a day and use earplugs too! perhaps where ankle weights. then we will feel some of what our grannies and grandads feel; how the world seems to go so fast, and they can't keep up with their children; they feel left behind. Even when you slow down for them, they feel the same, telling you to walk ahead as they slowly walk step by step to your destination only to find you are heading to another place.

hmmm i seem to have deviated again. gone off on a tangent haha. :)
Colours 2mr. jeans yeah!

The Idler's Companion

2006-08-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

the title is this book on idling from the library. haha
'An Anthology of Lazy Literature'

anyway, it feels really refreshing to read something like that and laugh about how true it is and yet how you know you can probably never follow the teachings inside. anyway i shall put up one paragraph inside i have read and like.

'It is impossible to enjoy idling throughly unless one has plenty of work to do. There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do. Wasting time is merely an occupation then, and a most exhausting one. Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.'

I am most intrigued by the idea of living life idle really. haha let's see the introduction
'What is an idler? The word is most commonly used these days in its pejorative sense: an idler is lazy, a good-for-nothing, a layabout, slacker, indole, a slothful couch potato who contributes nothing to society, a sponging lollygag without the wherewithal and discipline to put in a honest day's toil. This, at least, is the orthodox view.
It is our belief however, and one which is demonstrated repeatedly in this book, that idleness has a rich and noble heritage dating back centuries. Idleness is seen again and again for what it actually is: a rejection of worldly pressures, an individualist revolt against authority, a pleasure, a spiritual practise. The work ethic is revealed as a relatively recent phenomenon, conceived to make people slave away in dark satanic mills for puny returns.'

haha don't you just love the language already. I love this. it is going on my wishlist and to get list. haha.

At this point i also recognise that i am blooody bored of studying. i actually picked up such a book from the library; how lame can i get? haha

anyway will try to read it and somehow record the interesting parts. maybe this blog? haha maybe maybe

don't you just feel like slaves in this fast paced world? moving from one objective to another, day after day... The rat race i want to fall out off... but out into what though? certainly not soft green grass probably. 'Condemned to Freedom'? if i break free i am condemned by society for it? To not follow the norm is tatamount to something bad isn't it? yet would you not feel at peace?
I feel like citing personal benefit vs society's cost. haha Market Failure (Economics)

love House

2006-08-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

well anyway

"Do you have an opinion?"
"Everyone has an opinion."

let's develop on that idea...
Everyone has an opinion. Our actions are based on that opinion(s).
We all do what we think is right. All have a different sense of right and wrong.
Which is why there is conflict isn't it?
But the truth is; the 'principal significance of these differences is that they are insignificant'.(quote from an article from GP)
We are all of the same species and by right we should be able to live in peace!
ok...offfffff point......
Anyway...
There is no right or wrong answer to anything... Even Hilter thought he was doing the world a favour right?
That each of us are unique and distinct individuals is both a blessing and a curse...

Cease to judge others. It doesn't work. haha
hmmm

is this why we are social creatures of sorts? It is only through communication that our own sense of everything around us is fine-tuned and hmmm developed such that it 'fits in' with society's perception of things. relationships are the catalyst for something?
what thing though? any ideas pple?

I think the stress is making me think more than usual. or at least making me consider things again. there is so much up here *points to head* that i want to get rid of. I don't want to study but i am forcing myself to. Stuffing myself with information i probably won't use in 1 year's time haha. probably vomit or indigestion later on but must keep all that junk in till after A levels. Like i told some
stress--->tired--->coffee--->overly high ;P

tooooo alllll
study hard cause whatever dreams you have might start only with a lousy piece of cert.
go go go! we can get this over with!
good luck to every person for PW or Prelims or Promos or whatever thing our education system thinks adequately decides our future. Well until a better way comes up(eg:brain scans?), we got to get through and put up with it. *()
onward to mugging!

bleh

thoughts to ponder

2006-08-14T18:20:00.000+08:00

pple follow convention because they are afraid of change? and what they are afraid of they try to badmouth it to death. prevention of change.
our society continues to be in a state of flux.
anyhow is it fear that propels us to do things great? was Alexander afraid of being forgotten that he got himself to conquer the world, thereby attaining immortality?
aggression in our nature is another interesting thing to discuss. Aggression, according to the comprehension we had today, is good i guess cause it is only through such conflict that the will to survive and better ourselves is forced out of us. to curb aggression in our soul would be to dull our blades, our minds.
it is aggression that unleashes that which society has told us to tie down; human instinct. Yet another reason to love sports eh?
anyway, i'm just wondering stuff in general. trying to keep to the brighter stuff so there. haha

if this is bright, what is dark? haha

today

2006-08-13T19:43:00.000+08:00

was at the airport early in the morning today to send off my primary school form teacher. It's funny how things are.

She doesn't seem to change but we have grown and she now seems so much smaller in a way. Yet we will always be the toddlers hopping around her. haha
a sorrowful departure. I now have no reason to go woodlands on tcher's day. or do i? haaaa

Anyway, as a result of the early morning, i was so sleepy during chemistry tuition. haha tony gave me a funny look when i started rocking back and forth in between lala land and consciousness. And that kind of made me jolt awake. anyway, will be going for monday timing from now on. that should keep my wkends clear for study. need the time.

I'm not afraid of the A levels...strangely... cause i guess i'm not afraid of a future without straight As. But my brother did bring up a good point; we cannot afford to fail. The truth is the rich ARE advantaged because they can allow their kids to try whatever and at the end if they do fail, they have the financial backing to provide a smooth path anyway. Further, i'd break my dad's heart if i failed; he doesn't want any of us to walk the path he did. fail A levels climb up from the bottom stuff. difficult but i don't see why if he can do it, i can't if i have to. or even...want to. but my brother said i shoulden't think of such stupid things when the success rate is not 100%

I am tempted by the dark things... I enjoy adversity. the harder to get, somehow i'm thrilled to try. even if i fail to reach my goal, the objective has already been done, the process was all i'm after. though of course i'll weigh and see if i have a chance if at all. haha
who wants to 'lose' right?

anyway, at least the stuff with my friend is kind of settled... though i have no idea how this person will react when and if we meet in person. I do know that i still feel stuff but i have the ability to keep things in my control, like all other emotions i have. It is all a state of mind. I guess gladys was kind of right when she said that pple who make such drastic changes are likely to have undergone some big thing. I guess i have; I have accepted who i am, and at long last found the courage to show it to the world. Which is why i like this song:

Welcome to Wherever You Are - Bon Jovi

Maybe we're different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden, running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You come between just who you are and who you wanna be
If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end

[Chorus]Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you gotta believe
That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome, to wherever you are

When everybody's in, and you're left out
And you feel your drowning, in a shadow of a doubt
Everyones a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different
Just take a look around

[Chorus]

Be who you want to, be who you are
Everyones a hero, everyones a star

When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

[Chorus]

Happy Birthday Singapore

2006-08-09T07:05:00.000+08:00

Well it is National Day today...
It is kind of sad to see that this year the area I live in, the flag are not up in their full glory.
Especially after all the crisis we have gone through as Singaporeans. SARS, terrorist attacks, even going back to the Asian Economic crisis. It is all a reflection of the resilience of Singaporeans. Perhaps it is because we are essentially a immigrant country or sorts, different people coming to this land to seek their own future that we see how all our futures are intricately linked, how together we pursue some version of the American Dream; the Singapore Dream. It is a dream for peace, harmony and prosperity.

I am proud of Singapore because
1. We have magnificent food!!!
2. We boast a clean and efficient government.
3. Everyone has an opportunity at education(albeit there are flaws but hey...)
4. We take the situation and mould opportunity.
5. We enjoy racial harmony, something we all contribute to.
6. Although it is not usually outwardly shown I sense an inherent kindness in most Singaporeans.

As I grow older perhaps I will forget or see new reasons to be proud. Why do people always think the grass is greener on the other side. I mean there are unique problems everywhere. Visiting a place as a tourist is different from living in a place.

I know one thing; I will always call Singapore my home.

heckodom

2006-08-07T20:41:00.000+08:00

why won't you just bloody hell block me so i won't see you come online? everytime you 'pop' up, i feel all these mixed cocktails of emotions that i don't want to feel. is it really difficult for you to block me? surely not. all it takes is a slight movement of your mouse isn't it. or do you delight in making me hurt? sigh... i'm moving from sadness to anger now. i hope i'll soon move to heckodom i-don't-want-to-feel-this. behind this mask of laughter and smiles i wear is a person that hurts and cries and screams. i don't think anyone can imagine it of me. it's just how i deal with bad things i guess... i hide them or i laugh. i'm so weird...

had a badminton singles game today; won and managed to let off some steam... I am so sorry that my opponent got me at such a bad time. i was so pissed off with everything, i wanted to whack whack and whack. I throughly enjoyed the game. i've never felt so charged. during the whole game i wanted to scream like an animal. I can safely say i have never played quite as well as then.

side note, mummy is flying off for europe again. it'll be a slightly empty house again. even if she doesn't really talk much, her presense is felt all the time. even if i don't say it, i miss her everytime she is gone. haix

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! all this pent up energy. need to be constructive... writing in private journal is so not helping enough. drawing isn't calming me down and baking isn't satisfying me. I need to throw and bat!!! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! and do an econs essay ahhahahha

If anyone can't tell yet, i'm going mad mad mad. mad girl trying to understand why.

ahhh

2006-08-04T18:50:00.000+08:00

My heart did time in Siberia
was waiting for the light to some true

but it's all so dark and mysterious
when the one you want
doesn't want you too

haha k let that out
stone off my chest

time

2006-08-03T20:17:00.000+08:00

it is weird to feel 2 times passing me by, like a wind that caresses one is, the other is still, almost like air

one of them is the individual's time, my time in this world, almost real but illusive,
invisible shackles

the other is the time of the world and every other world after world after world, transient, almost a butterfly that flies out of reach
an ever moving constant

the sad thing is i sense how our individual time feels so minute compared to the time that shoving us forward.

but I still want to believe there is something we add that is of worth to this world
that our tangible actions can have some effect on the intangible around us
a lasting effect that will last even past our individual times have long passed

i believe every being has life energy and it is a stream that shines from us. When people meet and that life energy intermingles, those people, their destinies become intertwined(at different magnitudes of course).

heck i'm so random

oh i did something amazingly foolish today hahahaha
but i feel a load off my chest now after 'saying' the stuff i need to say
phew

found the words i needed

2006-08-02T17:19:00.000+08:00

Iwanttobelongbutsomehowifeelineverwillalienationofself?

i'm so emo i think haha in a psychopatic kind of way

we spend all our life looking for something
losing ourselves in the search to find ourselves
what is it we look for
a place to belong
a person to belong to
a thing to make life true
a sense of who we are
a nostalgic memory

you don't know you found it
and sometimes you miss it
but sooner or later
you will reach it
one of those things
that come by without leaving a sign

Just get out
find some way to live
disassemble this person
reconstruction
and look in the mirror
"goodbye :d"
"hello :P"

bleh i'm on the way to the A levels that i really don't want to take haix oh well
no choice to it

100th entry

2006-07-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

all right i finally hit the 100th entry haha

sigh this thing has just been disturbing my mind, entering my thoughts, plagueing my life in essense.
For months and months i've been distracted by thoughts sigh
Icantconcentrateinlessonicantthinkclearlywithoutyoupoppinginforavisitthisisjust howiamiguessigottogeteverysingleemotionalmentalthingoutofthewaybeforemyalevelsjustlike
withtheolevelsthesethingsjustgettomelikenothingelseicantakephysicalpainicantakepressurebut
icanttakemymindbeingfullofotherthings

to find focus i must remove all unneccessary things from the path of my studies
but i don't want to disturb other pples state of mind just so i can have peace

interesting things i read from Today today

2006-07-25T18:21:00.000+08:00

the following are just random lines off the newspaper, be it headlines and what not so sorry if it is out of context

"S'pore crime rate declines
Fewer teenagers arrested but rise in rape and murder cases"

so should i feel safe or not?

"If it is true that education is not about passing examinations but preparing for the future, why are we spending so much time mugging just to achieve good results?
Shoulden't we spend more time thinking of what we want for our future and doing what is necessary to accomplish it?"

--Jeremy Lim, one of NKF's kid ambassadors i think.
Lovely, clearly highlighting what is wrong with our schools today. however until a better way of gauging what we have learnt comes about, there is no way the examinations system is going down.

"Woods abandons his driver but is still too good for his rivals"
after learning what golf is and appreciating it on Pangya(a free online game)
i now understand what he did was AMAZING. this is one great player.

anyway, i've got to run off for tuition and dinner.

so boring right what i find interesting?

oh i almost forgot

"Catherine Lim...
Amuses...
When the wag flled in the form
For 'Race' he wrote,'Clearly human'
For'Sex', 'Yes, that would be great!'
For 'Last address','Hopefully heaven!'

Muses...
The lure for big corporate money
With great commercial pitches
The best airport, the best seaport
Singapore's embarrassment of riches

But if there's no human face
Whose appearance is long overdue
These are only a string of zeroes
With no interger to give them value.'

K that's it. cyas all...

and what the hell does 'wag' mean? someone tell me pls?

Nick Lachey

2006-07-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

hmmm nice songs from the album What's Left of Me... maybe cause i seem to relate a bit. haha

k will be the album
try aol for a listen and video of...

Nick Lachey-What's Left of Me

Watch my life pass me-by in a rearview mirror
pictures frozen in time-are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
yeaaahhh

cause I want you-and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger-like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken-and I'm faded
I'm half the man I thought I would be
but you can have-what's left of me

I've been dying inside-little by little
nowhere to go-going out of my mind
and in this circle-running from myself until
you gave me a reason for standing still

I want you-and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger-like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken-and I'm faded
I'm half the man I thought I would be
but you can have-what's left of me

Falling faster-barely breathing
give me something to believe in
tell me its not all in my head

take what's left of this man
make me whole once again

cause I want you-and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger-like a burning
to find a place I've never been
now I'm broken-and I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be
you can have all what's left
what's left of me

I'm been dying inside you see
I'm going outa my mind, outa my mind
I'm just wandering in circles all the time
will you take what's left
will you take what's left
will you take what's left of me
just running in circles in my mind
will you take what's left
will you take what's left
will you take what's left of me

take what's left of me

hmmm

2006-07-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

wow my left hand is visibly shivering after catching that short while for the juniors.

hey hey you girls' throwing is damn hard to me now!!! haha

but you all could have been a little more accurate. oh well. take the time to learn your basics well k, i believe you all will be fine.

haha damn weird to NOT see coach hobbling around. not used to her new found 'speed'. hope she can stay as coach. would make it more fun to come back and train with the girls if i could next year.

wrt earlier entry it's obvious isn't it?

adding another layer, if you knew me then you can draw the conclusion that... well go draw the conclusions.

i'm not afraid of anything except for
1. the dark(not so much anymore after i trained myself
2. public speaking (still quite bad)
3. Heights (very bad though i love climbing the tripod, just gets dizzy up there..)
4. Can't think of anything else

everything else i'll just run down in my path
so what conclusions can you draw? :)

I'm such a psycho, i might be a creative psychopath. lol

should sleep after this

2006-07-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

was just watching Spanglish just now. heard a good line from the movie, the male lead told the female interest this bunch of lines:

"They should name a gender after you
Looking at you just doesn't cut it
Staring at you is the only way it makes any sense
and trying so hard not to blink so I don't miss anything..."

well it's late and all i want to say is that sometimes i feel this way
xept staring at you would be plain weird to you woulden't it?
That'd just give the game away.. :(

funny ain't it

2006-07-08T23:43:00.000+08:00

it's funny to find out you love something so much only at it's end. JC2

I think i love my school. NJC hmmm
when the band played the school song at the end of the concert i just kind of felt the pride and jumped up and sang. it's weird cause i always kind of resented that i was in nj and not in ac. but come to think of it, it was a stupid reason anyway-just cause my friends were over in ac.
i understand now, what it is to love and be proud without needing a reason, it's 'just because'.

But i still dislike the admin. hehe

oh well in the end they don't matter, it's the teachers and students that matter.

I wonder, if i didn't volunteer to help, would i find out?
now i feel the passion i felt for crescent, the urge to pursue glory in the name of

If there's one afterlife story i hope is true,
I hope the one about how every lifetime we are born to perfect ourselves till we are perfect beings is true. That means every lifetime you have has to be spent fruitfully and perfection of oneself is meaningful in that it lasts an eternity.

It's a hope useful to depressed teenagers.
"Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a bucket."-Bart Simpson

haha I love the Simpsons.

I'm getting crazier by the day. I can't understand why or how.

I wish i could study philosophy in Singapore. I'll be able to drive myself mad. haha

blank..

2006-07-02T19:42:00.000+08:00

a walk in the crowded streets
alone walking walking..

there is a chinking of
something hollow

is it coming from inside here

play some music
loud
drown out that noise from the inside

grabbing at straws
must preserve sanity
to keep going on
living...

reasons wanted
needed
hoped

make peaceful
the war in the place of thoughts
ignorance is aldisarming

only one knows all, inside here,
one sworn to secrecy

want to believe
there are similar people
out there but fear
paralyzes

nightmares
differences setting a wall
between, can't reach beyond
hands reaching out

for

just give me something to hold onto

Cryptic but fun ain't it?
Up to you to decide how real this is
have fun! @I

I wanna go for the concert...

2006-06-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

crap my maths tuition got postponed till today evening... that means i can't go watch my friend's band concert... and i bought the ticket and stuff already... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

it doesn't matter, i'm too tired to care. i think i've caught a cold and my muscles ache.

Anyone wanna go watch ACJC's band concert today at the Victoria concert hall? sigh sigh sigh

studying is draining me of health haha i've never felt so sickly before. I miss training. alot. i miss the hot sun and the soft grass. hitting things, throwing things. exertion.
i prefer physical exhaustion to mental fatigue. i get headaches when i study really long. haha

the A levels seem like a distant nightmare for now. for some maybe it's the muddy road before paradise. i'm so bored, i shall try zapping a dilbert comic in here.

i think it's funny :D what does that say of me? am i a psycho? haha

seeking clarity

2006-05-30T22:28:00.000+08:00

i can't help but feel lost. i don't see any meaning in doing all these tests, exams, whatever..
The only reason i still make myself study is so i don't 'ruin' my parents' life. I love them too much to do that.

But then i find myself questioning if anything i feel is real at all. if everything we see feel/think is down to a science that implies it is but a created impulse formed by the body to keep us alive. It is but an illusion. If nothing is real then why do we 'live'? Are we truely alive?

I remember reading somewhere: humans have been trying to find the meaning to life. always we seek a purpose.
Is there any?

Let us pin purpose down to what satisfies us completely. one of the reasons i don't push myself to exceed others in our 'academic' tests. I don't want to. I'm interested in learning but my desire in learning is the enrichment of myself, not my test scores. I really woulden't give a shit to A levels if i woulden't hurt anyone in the process; I would hurt my parents though so dropping A levels is a no go.

I don't want to 'see' what is 'real'. It makes the lives we live so futile and insignificant; pursueing perfect scores; aiming for top salaries... it's a waste of life.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh...

I'm so tired of this. I wish i could believe that all my life is about is studying to get good grades, graduating to go to the U and doing what the normal pple do. To live and die without all these stupid thoughts invading my mind.

I still have hope though. I will continue watching and learning. Try observing pple sometime. You might learn lots. Think about where they come from, who they are, what they do, what they change, who can they effect,etc... it's a magnificent web.

LIVE LIFE AS BEST YOU CAN.

is it over...really?

2006-05-14T15:48:00.000+08:00

I try to look forward so much to avoid looking back.

I don't think anyone has really seen me cry before. That's cause i never let anyone see me cry ever.

but i am human after all.

When i think back on all the times we had, good and bad, as a team, i feel nostalgic all over. I know i can feel the loss. I know i can feel the reluctance. but i won't let myself feel the full extent of my feelings, so deep like the ocean.

I cannot live in the past. I live in the present. I live for the future.

Every ending is a new beginning and every beginning begets an ending. We can't change that so i let my memories go to sleep, perhaps lost but never forgotten.

'...A scattered dream that's like a far-off memory
A far-off memory that's like a scattered dream...'->KingdomHearts2

I believe Einstein's Theory of Relativity applies in everything we do.

Right got to get back to work. Mugging sucks. I hate it.

Baking

2006-05-12T22:02:00.000+08:00

i can bake banana walnut cake! hehe

i smells like banana and tastes ok. I was surprised!

maybe a bakery isn't such a dream afterall. haha

nothing to say

2006-05-07T19:38:00.000+08:00

it's so ridiculous when you call a friend to ask how she is and end up laughing for about 3mins before life continues and you both got to get back to work.

the urban life eh?

truth is there isn't much to say cause we're both in different schools and we never really had much in common. Still we always manage to amuse each other even without speaking. if that is all i can give, then i do so generously.

still i wonder, is there meaning in anything we do? there isn't is there? still as beings with thoughts and feelings, and being utterly self consious of it, we cannot help but continue to instinctively choose to live while struggling with what it means to be alive. what a ridiculous species we are. haha it makes being alive that much harder doesn't it?

it is freaking annoying go into such philosophical shit from time to time, but i got to note it down for future reference. to get it out of my system. reasons to live. interesting topic actually.

sometimes i wonder if my bright and chirpy outlook is real or just an illusion i so want to believe in. i want to live the lie i guess. i remember watching a show "Sometimes a little lie that makes someone feel better isn't that bad...something like the lesser of evils". let the veil of illusion remain. the lie is easier than the truth. but the truth will come someday and disillusioned you will be. still you may not be able to accept the truth and may live in denial.

i don't want others to worry. that is my reason for living. i rather not affect others with my bull shit. my studies i care because my parents care. i take care of myself cause i'm afraid of pain and dying and i got people that i know love and care for me. All of these people i know i guess most of them can believe strongly in what they are doing so i don't want to break their universe open with my negativity.

what tf

2006-05-03T21:52:00.000+08:00

maybe forgot to let the other party have a chance to explain themselves. launched into a one sided argument maybe.

Heck i'm enjoying this song, want to share it with the team...

Rob Thomas- Problem Girl

Don't let 'em get where they're going to
You know they're only what they think of you
You heard of this emotional trickery
And you felt like you were learning the ropes
But where you're going now you don't now

And when the kids on the street say
What's your problem girl
And the weight of their smile's just
Too much for you to bear
When they all make you feel
Like you're a problem girl
Remember
You're no problem at all
You're no problem at all

Pride like promises can let you down
You thought that you'd be feeling
Better by now
You worry all the things they could do to you
You worry about the things they could say
Maybe you're seeing things the wrong way

Try
If you stand or you fall
You're no problem at all

Dang it really love Ryan Cabrera songs here's one

Ryan Cabrera-Shine On(Album:You Stand Watching)

I've given every moment I had
Still I can never seem to keep up with you
You're done with one mile,
and on to another one thousand
Still I could never seem to keep up with you

I know you'll be better off without me when I'm gone
You know you're beautiful
You're beautiful

[Chorus] Shine on
You were made to shine on and you know I love you
even if we can or can't be friends
I'll be with you till the very end
Shine on
You were made to

It's keeping me awake everynight
But I can never seem to give up on you
I send up a prayer and I'm on to another one thousand
But I can never seem to give up on you

I know you'll be better off without me when I'm gone
You know you're beautiful
You're beautiful

[Chorus]Shine On
You were made to shine on and you know I love you
even if we can or can't be friends
I'll be with you till the very end
So shine on, yeah

Nobody's wrong, nobody's right
Keep moving on..
Shine on, yeah
You were made to shine on

Shine on, you were made to Shine on, and you know i love you
And even if we can or cant be friends
We'll gonna be brighter than we've ever been so shine on
You're gonna be just fine
Oh, youre gonna be alright love,
You're gonne be just fine,
Oh you're gonna be alright love

I love the songs from the Eagle's Hell Freezes Over Album too

So frreaking tired.. dizzy and numb after a full cup of Barcardi that was mixed into orange juice.

Today's game could have been better. Hitting mainly was weak. Wish we were all not so tense.

Today was like a major key modulating into minor key at the last moment. I dizzy and raging.. what a bad combination. sleep i need to clear my mind.. gdnite

it's been a long time

2006-04-30T08:58:00.000+08:00

well after yawen talked to me, it helped clear up my thoughts. I now know my duty to the team even more clearly then ever.

on a side note i'm very worried for my younger brother cause he just got a warning letter from the school about his homework. It's been affecting me in lesson but i will pull myself together.

The last 2 games for J2 and i'm wondering if i should continue softball in the future. I still like playing but i need to learn more new things if i'm to keep up my passion. I'm tired..

Time to stop thinking. maybe there will be peace once everything is over.

...

2006-04-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

I feel less and less drive.

'Dying is easy. Living is tedious.'

What do you think?

Why do we put ourselves through living?

Too many things in my head. I wanna shut it all out..

feeling bothered and moody..

can i let sanity pass out of my hands? It's just too hard to find a purpose to living.
Why the hell did we have to go and develop self-awareness as a species?

Crap, i keep falling down.. I need to vent frustration..

matches and the season is up!

2006-04-06T22:28:00.000+08:00

we played tp yesterday, a good start, building momentum.

Personal:
I stumbled at 1st base, sucked at pitching and made up for it by hiting. haha it rhymes!

Overall:
It's nice to see the team hit for a change. I liked it alot, i hope i can keep talking about it in present tense.

I suspect most of us will be really tense on sat, i'm one of them. haha

Jingjing says that being sick improves performance cause the increase in temperature(caused probably by a fever) will increase rates of successful collisions of molecules in our body, making us more alert. haha
I think it's half mental, cause your body is fighting the illness and so it makes you want to fight too, physically, to stay awake and alive.

Or maybe for me, it makes me go really loony when at bat and start saying things like "here ball'y ball'y ball'y..." haha i felt so relax, and chanting little things was so fun.
a little psycho but it helps. =P

Hc, Hc---> hum hum, i think i'll keep up this psychoness for batting. it's a cross between happy-go-lucky and I'm-boss kind of mentality. Still i could do better to decide whether or not to swing earlier. tend to swing too late. dang it. but i'll never forget the contact in front, so smooth and solid, felt so good to hit a ball like that.

feeling better now, left all this flam is all.

but i just don't understand why i sweat sooooooo much.

.end.

a joke

2006-04-01T19:26:00.000+08:00

tian ah. i think only mel'd play that kind of joke.

"Hey team.Due to problems w the school admin..Our team has been disbanded..We're no longer going to nats too.Explain more monday aft school,really sorry to all."

OMG, immense sadness, then anger than tears..

then i asked mel if i'm to pass on the msg. I was totally duped la! She ah.. my first thoughts were; was it cause we did badly for common test or something? what is it? hell what happened! All our efforts are to go down the drain?! no no no no

April Fools right. k she's forgiven but any other day i think i'd strangle her and muster up all my anger at her.

such power i feel when i'm in a rage. it's not healthy, it's self-destructive but the taste is intoxicating..

I guess the bit about Scorpios being very touchy with trust is true. mel be very careful..you treaded on a very sensitive area of mine with that joke. I can laugh at almost anything, but don't play with something i love so much, softball;the team;playing.

Still i wonder how everyone else reacted. hahahaha

Must say mel, that joke must have taken quite a bit of thinking. brains mixed with a bit of a sadist. haha

NOW, who's MORE psycho? haha

just something i found haha

2006-03-28T22:53:00.000+08:00

Baseball and softball are associated with the largest number of injuries leading to an emergency room visit than any other sport in the United States. In Australia, baseball/softball is ranked as the 13th most common sport and recreational activity leading to an emergency department injury presentation for children and the 16th amongst adults. There are four main mechanisms of injury in softball/baseball: sliding (into a base); jamming or collisions (including hits by a ball or bat and collisions with other players); fails; and overuse.

sigh sigh

2006-03-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

coach just removed stitches today, but can't go out till next week. she can't come see us play hc. it's ok! we can do it!

i feel sad only cause i know she's been dying to get out and move around and she feels guilty and stuff about not being able to be there physically for us.

hc game: I feel afraid at the same time excited and a bit of apathy, heck-careness too... i just wanna play! heeeee

in the heat of competition i feel alive

randomness... singing Breathe Easy, Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Words, Back it up...all Blue songs... cause i've been listening to them. haha i like the rhythm.

end...

pain in eyes

2006-03-26T19:35:00.000+08:00

i had no idea eyes could hurt after looking too long at black and white. haha 2 hours chem tuition and my eyes hurt.

after which i visited coach. mel and riski was there too. sigh my pitching really sucks. i coulden't do the movement right using a small hankie provided by coach's aunt. sigh, batting was too much to the left and pitching too much to the right.

enrichment week! doing some fun stuff but also doing some stuff just to fill up the time. double edged sword it is. k nothing much to say at this point.

can't wait for baking at Sunrise! love to bake.

bored person

2006-03-24T21:43:00.000+08:00

Coach Suzanne is super bored haha, been visiting her from wed to fri, now sat also, at this rate, sunday too. she stays too near man, quite fun to go find her.

but when i told her that she smsed back "then why do i feel so bored?" haha

I told her maybe cause she's the exhibit.

oh well, we do what we can. I enjoy seeing pple smile. might be the one thing i do that's worth my time in this world.

oh mel says my blog is confusing. haha i guess i meant for my true meaning to be hidden from others so i say them in such a way. but then who the hell can say that their heart is completely clear and simple to explain? haha

a person's heart is a labyrinth, not to be understood by most. shrouded in fog and sometimes darkness. purpose unseen, feelings concealed. if we can't even express what we think clearly in words how can it ever be easy to understand another. guess i'm talking to mel? explaining why my blog is confusing...

it matters not, a journal is written for the journal writer to reflect anyway so so long i know what i mean, it matters not.

coach seriously stays too near my place for now but maybe it isn't so bad, there are things i can learn from her and with my free time i can keep her company.

is it that weird to spend time with her alone? i don't think so. oh well but for me company doesn't necessary have to have talking involved. just the quiet. peace and comfort in that.

(big)wendy and coach confirmed. haha i guess i'm daring to ask her about it. she was blushing but straight-forward about it. Surprised that everyone knows. k that's all for a while.

bleh

2006-03-16T20:20:00.000+08:00

can't help but blame myself for making that stupid mistake. maybe i cost us the game. 2 down, just bloody hell play one and it would be over but damn, i had to go be careless then.

maybe it's cause i made that one mistake that i pushed myself even more for the next few chances. When i caught that popfly, it felt more like redemption than joy.

I guess i want someone to scold me or just knock me on the head and tell me to buck up. When i blame myself and no one blames me, at least not openly, i feel even worse. i am such an idiot. pls recognise and tell me on the spot when i have fault! I rather that...

i let it all go. release the clenched fists.

sew close the wound.

next up rj and vj! I can't wait to pitch again. 1st base feels a little out of territory but i'll do my best. pitching on the other hand is more relaxed a position. at least all i got to worry about is keeping my form and try not to go into my bad habits.

I miss coach suzanne already, haha need her screaming on the field. Get well SOON!

what the hell

2006-03-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

after going for chem tuition for a while, i realise whenever i'm doing organic chem or not doing it for that matter, the chem mindmap the tuition teacher gave me will just 'magically' appear in my mind. i can't get rid of it.

further today at training when pitching long d, my left arm was feeling tired. get this, i'm a right hander! why the hell would me left arm be feeling tired?!

oh coach commented that us pitchers are all suicidal cause liyan got hit in the head then i got hit in my leg. both occured cause we were standing really close to the batter.

oh liyan, there is NOTHING wrong with your head. it's JUST REDDISH! i think i just over react most of the time. (I did speech and drama in primary school hehe) Life's just a mega play of sorts.

i'm tired... nitz to all.

weird

2006-02-25T16:14:00.000+08:00

ok mel maybe i wasn't being a good enough girl with the water. haha

last night i woke up in between on of my dreams... flexed my ankle and got a CRAMP on my right thigh. ouch!!! so i was lying there trying to massage it. bah went back to sleep after a while.

woke up, it still hurt so i drank lots of water and stretched. goodness me. i've NEVER gotten cramps before. weird weird. haha

thank you to every person who wished me well when i left on wed after the talk and all. i really appreciate it. ok i'll be back on monday. i'll drink lots of water now. haha

back to work... maths maths...

not my usual timing

2006-02-23T19:33:00.000+08:00

I hate being sick. Especially now in the middle of term. usually i get sick after exams. ahhh cough not stopping. irritating.shit fever is back. time to eat and take medicine.

I'm itching to pitch, train, and do maths. how is this related? haha

games galore

2006-02-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

wow, we've played 2 friendly games in a week. one with the guys and one with nanhua. i feel a little stretched mentally.

i can't stand my pitching. so many tiny details to change before perfection is attained but too little time to do it.

oh man li and i had to pitch with the whole team watching! one ball equals 5 pushups. it hurt. that hurt.
what scared me is that i only took minimal effort to seperate myself from all that emotion and change focus. it freaks me out cause i don't want to become seperated from my feeling side.

and why the hell my serious face=tense. haha so i kept trying to smile lots during the game. haha ever since cs told me to smile in the game. hahahahaha feels freaking weird and i think i look psychotic smiling at a time like that. hahahaha maybe it's more scary than friendly like haha.
sometimes i think my whole team is getting more and more wary of me cause i seem psycho. I'm just eccentric la. haha

i enjoy what i do, if not i won't be able to do it anymore. so that's why i love chem and maths and softball. i can't do econs. haha but i'll try to pass it suitably well.

I feel torn on the inside somewhat cause i am quite unsure where my heart's feelings is taking me. I read somewhere that said the worst way to miss someone is to have them right next to you and be unable to have them. haix. i'll get over it.

right anyway, i can't wait for the season to start! i wanna pitch in every game! it's the most cool feeling when pitching to an opposing team! even when i'm down, the challenge alone is thrilling! of course when you do well it's more enjoyable loh. cause you won't be pulling the team down then.

before i end, to any nj softballer that reads this, GOOD JOB FOLKS! KEEP IT UP!
haha ain't i weird.

gah

2006-01-31T10:32:00.000+08:00

yippee it was fun running around the last few days, but then isn't it horrible when you remind yourself there is still work to do at home.

Maths, Econs, Chem, GP. it's all crap at a time like this. how can you emphasize family when your SCHOOLS emphasize WORK. IT's crap. Crap. A whole load of bull.

Nevermind, i'm a student, a JC2 so i must study right? oh well. I know my duty.

But holiday mood has taken over!!! mwahahaha

I'll at least do econs and maths.

my cousins are coming over later, uncles and aunts too. guess i'll have to stay up late eh?

haha jingjing was right, those that don't celebrate CNY benefit, especially students.

however i heard foreign workers are stuck with no where to go.

Blast out!

2006-01-18T20:59:00.000+08:00

So i lost my phone. I didn't call you immediately cause i know you're at work. You tell us about your problems at work and i just didn't want to add another to your list...

You say you want us to tell you our problems. don't hide them or keep it from you. When we delay and tell you about an issue later, you blast at us for trying to keep it from you. But when we own up to take responsibility and confront the problem you still blast at us. I don't understand anymore. I have things i want to tell you but my fear of you won't let me anymore. You are my savage lion guardian. Yet you are be my King. I live on logic, scold me not in emotion. I am old enough to accept unconditionally all consequences of my actions. You can take away my phone, cut down my pocket money whatever. Just don't take away your forgiveness, acceptance and understanding.

I stand behind a locked door made of ice, reaching out, the closest i can get is my palm pressed against yours, frost is all i feel between us.

I just wish you spoke as you taught us to, in calm words.

I just hate disappointing you. At the end of the day after you cool off, I am the one that remains seething in my own anger.

Softball Camp

2006-01-08T16:59:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, it was ok. Liked it quite a bit.

Though it was a little sad that pple didn't have faith that i'm NOT insane during that confusing thing. Ok maybe when i'm having fun, i really go too far out to the extreme so they REALLY thought i went psycho. And when i'm serious, i'm REALLY serious. haha looks as though i'm split in two? However, they are both me. haha, maybe cause while pple sometimes try to hide themselves away, i try my best to show it. of course i have my secrets that only my closet friends know. haha
It scared me that i seemed the type to go crazy to pple. Then i looked at myself and thought: " Might it really happen one day?" It's pointless to debate this cause no one knows. Yup.

If i show the 'signs' as mel says, call the police and The Institute of Mental Health. and punch me out. haha I think Lydia will relish punching me out. haha

On the whole, I felt happy about the camp.Simple.

I would LOVE to have a training camp in the March hols. imagine going for the games at SRC together from school! so cool! haha Just that if we muddy our slacks and jersey, we can't wash it. oh and i'm suddenly wondering when we'll be getting our jersey. is it wait till after the 2nd intake is settled? no matter. I kind of hope the season doesn't end too soon.

Oh about the game on sat. I must apologise to all softballers that happen to read this blog entry. the thing i'm sorry for is that even when i'm pitching in balls, i don't feel any remorse or guilt cause i was enjoying myself completely. I enjoy playing the game even when i SUCK at it. Ok so i was letting the mud affect my footing a bit but that's no excuse. I know how bad the feeling is when the pitcher is just giving out walks and stuff so i shoulden't let myself loose focus. For those who know: compared to RJC's game i was only at 40% of focus.

Now another part of this is that...I kind of wanted to 'fang shui'=not do my best. cause i didn't want the team to become dependent on the pitcher. What i felt during last year's season was that pple were depending on me to keep the game. I really want our team to be able to say we won because we can attack! We can hit! Which is why i hope everyone of the softballers will treat the batting practices very seriously, as though it will be their in-game performance. I believe that liyan and i woulden't want to be the eventual cause that we lost to a team or anything like that. Every hit you girls make boosts the pitcher's morale and faith. Every run decreases the pressure during pitching and gives us some comfort to know that "this one walk won't kill us". Although i don't care about the winning losing shit, I do mind if i disappoint you girls and myself. I will not allow it. Disappointment is the one thing in the world that makes weak inside.

I will tell you now. My basic expectation is that every person that goes up to hit isn't out by a standing strikeout and that every person makes at least 2 hits per game. No need to be very good hits. At least try.

Oh this one is a bit hard. For every person to enjoy every moment of the game even if we are at the downside of the situation. Look at the reasons that give you stress and doubt and logically DESTROY it in your mind. The reason we joined softball is? Mine is to have fun, I almost forgot that in Sec4. So focused i was on the outcome that i lost my passion. that deleted my drive to do well. I wanted to quit. But then i coulden't let my team down. I stayed because of that. of course i'm stubborn too. I remember once i was writing my essay for an english exam and i realised that i was not writing coherently, it was only 10mins into the exam but i woulden't stop. I did badly in the end loh. haha

Oh that is enough bullshit..

Oh here's something from a fortune telling machine that read my palm and divined my fortune in studies:

You are full of sympathy.
You are kind and endurance.
Sometimes you insist on
your thoughts. You do what
you like to do. You are stubborn.
You have a strong sense of ego.
You are frank and straight. You
don't care of tiny things. You
won't keep your worry till
tomorrow. You have good public
relationship. You are full
of "human touch". You don't
like to say "yes" to other's opinions.
You're lucky in every endeavour.
You have an outstanding
grades on both the liberal arts
and science course. But
never being proud of it. You
should still work hard
for the bright future.

Lucky numbers: 36, 34,26

HA, my jersey number is lucky for me! hehe
I leave it to others to decide how true this fortune is . haha

if you did read, THANK YOU for reading!

Deathnote! and Auron!

2005-12-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

k just posting a pic of the cover of the first book. Further, this is a pic of Auron from FFX from marcia! Forgot about showing off here, it was my birthday prez. It's SO COOL! oh, here is marc's erm,little sanctuary: http://marc21.deviantart.com her other drawings are here. all done on a tablet using various software. go look look, see see. yes yes, i'm not being very modest, but who cares! It's MY blog! mwahahaha

merry christmas!

2005-12-25T21:12:00.000+08:00

to everyone!

just started reading a comic my bro and cousins recommended to me.

called : DEATHNOTE

hehe. it's SO COOL!

roughly it is about a death god who got really bored in the underworld. so he decided to drop 2 'deathnote's, aka the book of death, in the human world for fun. just so happens a school kid, REALLY smart, picks it up. ok just what does this book do? well there are a few rules to it, left in english by the death god. the rules are below...

1. The human whose name is written in this note shall die.

2.This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore people sharing the same name will not be effected.

3.If the cause of death is written within 40s of writing the person's name, it will happen.

4.If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack.

5.After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6minutes and 40s.

6.This note shall become the property of the human world, once it touches the ground of(arrives in) the human world.

7.The owner of the note can recognise the image and voice of its original owner, i.e. a god of death

8.The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.

well these are some of the more important rules but anyway...

this boy gets the note and decides he will remake the world by killing off every single criminal. Turn the world into one that is good and pure by having people fear him, his judgement using the note.
As you read the comic, you will realise this person is pretty much a maniac but totally brilliant. ok so what's the catch? there is a super detective on the case and within the first book is already close, but all within the plans of the boy. further you got to wonder what happened to the second book... haha it's a totally interesting story. anyway, it makes you wonder if humans can play Justice like that.

Go read it if you're interested. i'm going to collect this, only just bought book 1&2.

k merry christmas and happy new year pple.

back!!!

2005-12-13T20:44:00.000+08:00

Just got back from australia! sun burnt shoulders. yup SHOULDERS. not anywhere else but the SHOULDERS. weird ah? just from 2 days of wearing singlets. haha

got stuff, missed training a lot, kept thinking about what the team was doing. and how much i wanted to pitch on and on for hours.but i kind of feel yawen should catch for liyan. they are meant to be partners man. missing those days with fionne. she had it rough with me being an novice and all. sigh

well looking forward to training a lot cause i got a NEW BALL! yippee, clean new ball that is mud free!

argh...

2005-11-26T16:16:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so detached. I'm attracted to something I know is dangerous. is it darkness, destruction, void, control, chaos? I want to be naive and see simple purpose to being alive and living. I don't think I do, not truly perhaps.
Faithless, but believing in the future to be better...
I wish I couldn't see how meaningless some things are. I know now more than ever that I live for others, for another's smile and laughter, for someone else's trust.
I wish I could live for my own. I know I can live without caring but can I live without others caring for me? I see why I could sort of understand the character of Ruth in the bonesetter's daughter, but I am no such self sacrificing person.
See past the mortal and feel for the ethereal. That which exists beyond our understanding and senses.
Oh ya, did some sample destiny thingy from astrology, it puts me out to be quite a freaky person. To most pple anyway. haha
it's just a sample lah, : http://rep.astrology.com/free/9357/4116/1.html

My bro's PAE booklet.

2005-11-24T23:49:00.000+08:00

Was just looking at my bro's PAE booklet. Yup. Anyway was just looking at the booklet.

Oh this is just complaining about stupid stomach pains and vomiting, loss of appetite and what not in the morning. Damn, was looking forward to training. Woke up at 5.20 to barf and shit. Gory details. Felt REALLY cold, ate medicine and went to sleep with a blanket wrapped around me. Called yawen sometime at 8 i think, was SO hoping to be feeling better. Oh well, went on to sleep till like 2 i think. Vomit. Went downstairs to eat a bit of porridge. Sigh, missed training. DAMN. I LOVE fielding!!! Ok ANYWAY

NJC is like 6 and 6 for both Arts and Science. Well that's just mundane.
Oh well right here i'm just blogging about some JC that is so...elitist? 'Specialistic'?It's only when you are not part of it that you notice all the little funny things eh? Anyway this school has a wonderful vision of 'Auspicium Melioris Aevi'. I think it's Latin... is it? Why can't they have ENGLISH like everyone else? oh wait they provided translation for us poor ORDINARY folk: 'Hope of a Better Age'. Sorry whoever is from this school, I'm just in a foul mood. And rather cynical at the moment.
Oh they have a REALLY unique club: 'Alchemy Club'... I wonder if it translates to 'Chemistry Club'. Goodness...But i'd rather love to join a club that plays with chemicals. Love Chemistry! oh lol 'Entrepreneur's Network'. Oh this one is hilarious to me and my brother: Cybergaming and Design. Why not Cyber Gaming Club or something? Maybe they play games for club hours and call it 'observation' to learn the 'design' haha
Get this: They have a Stamp Society! Oh is Audio Visual Unit their PA crew???

OK got to sleep. But feeling REALLY hungry. But no appetite... I wonder how training was today...

Warhammer 40000:Dawn of War!!!

2005-11-22T20:25:00.000+08:00

A really good RTS!!! (Real Time Strategy)
Right there is this cool line the Inquisitor says:

"There is no such thing as Innocence, only degrees of Guilt"

I think only young kids can avoid being subject to this line.

Like the kids at the childcare, ah haha!

Just something that popped up

2005-11-18T20:33:00.000+08:00

To satisfy my curiousity...
There is a great joy in that,
but somehow if that is necessary.
The thought is enough to gratify.
don't want to open it anymore; it doesn't matter at all what lies inside.

right

2005-11-13T13:12:00.000+08:00

It is Nightcrawler. yup

X-Men Legends 2 Rocks!

2005-11-13T08:06:00.000+08:00

Well so critics say this is the best x-men game for a long while.
Quite true. This x-men game is similar to games like 'Diablo' in it's complex range of skills available for each character.

I love Iceman! Unfortunately he isn't under the grouping so i am currently using Storm, Wolverine, Starfire and shit i can't recall his name...it's the guy who can teleport short distances and has a tail and 3 fingers. can't remember... getting so OLD...

oh if your group are all under grouping then your party gets a boost of 15%HP.

I have yet to explore the other groupings yup.

got to do some maths before i continue playing...

:)

2005-11-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

hehe, i love the pple around me.

i know ...and i get tired...
i need peace, peace i haven't had in a while.
i need to think and reflect in dark solitude.

Yipppeeee

2005-11-03T09:35:00.000+08:00

My bro skinned my ipod and hid it with a card under my pillow. Found it last night when i reached for my pillow. Then when i go to thank him, he closes the door and acts all shy. haha

today, my family is going out to have lunch. Jap buffet! I love jap food.

oh this cool thing an ip person said(Wilbert): Your birthday should not be about you. You should be celebrating the mother, who brought you into this world.

my idea: The birthday should be about the celebration of your mum's gift(or curse) to the world. haha Blessing or Boon no one knows.

Well what do pple who read this think? celebrate your coming or celebrate your mum?

Personally, it's a little of both.

haha

2005-11-01T19:45:00.000+08:00

my brother is trying to predict what's going to come out for social studies.

he's praying for venice. lol

reminiscient of yesteryear

blahblah damn tired

2005-10-27T21:05:00.000+08:00

went for training at crez today. learnt some stuff that they have at training. oh, coincedence, dorcas came too! she seems to be doing ok. Study lah dorcas, your studies DO matter though i know it's hard not to follow your heart. Anyway, yup did training with b div. c div got their own things.

I really enjoy training don't i? I still think i'm mad. mad and lame mad and lame...

Wanna watch harry potter! still, got to contend with OP and chinese first. yup.

I guess i choose to live to fight my sorrows. I'm too much of a violent fighter to accept 'dying' to be free of pain as a choice.

sigh

2005-10-26T12:35:00.000+08:00

damn tired, coulden't stay awake yesterday. coulden't wait for bed.

Saw Mrs Chee(primary school form teacher) and Mrs Aw(Sec 3 geog teacher) yesterday. they remember me! also saw Mrs Lee Bee Yan from a distance. hehe damn cool. are they either a principal or a vice principal now? cause the Directors of Schools Meeting is said to be for pple of those positions. Yesterday was North and South zone. 2mr is East and West Zone. Yup, nj gets to host... haha from principal's words: "...modification of school uniform is not encouraged" she trying to get us to have uniform uniforms lol, to be on our best behaviour. damn funny lah. if i was invisible, i'd start laughing out loud.

Hopefully playing with clay with marianne on 3rd nov. hehe 4th is my bday. 2mr is my chinese bday. mummy left for work yesterday night. Overseas now. before she left she reminded me to tell the maid to boil eggs for me for my chinese bday. heeee... parents always remember.

Playing with photoshop, trying to make a shirt for Marcia. difficult. haha but i finally got out the 'Griever' symbol from FF8. Trying to get a solid 'Cloudy Wolf' symbol from FF7. Also trying to do the main design round FF10. An FF shirt! damn cool. haha

9th is my op. that sucks. Can't wait for it to be over.

chinese on 31st oct right? sigh, i just want to pass.

Last thing mum did before she left is help me apply muscle rub on my back. I love her. :)

I'm surprised pat didn't shoo me immediately after i called her yeaterday. I thought i caused her endless irritation.

My emotions are in check. but they are so strong. Only iny knows what. cause she has gone through it too and i told her. It's hard to keep this from so many pple i care about. I feel weak.

To desire but take no action. To want but not take. To love but not expect to be loved.
I'm so insane. I wanna lose my mind. Then i shall have no limits to think off.

But i am happy to a certain degree. Satisfied with the current.

Wrote a little something for fun...

Doesn't it delight your heart and soul
to see us all grown
and yet to feel sweet misery
as nostalgia rises like a wave with every reminiscience
of a time when we were young and full of folly

it isn't perfect but i just had this rush of feeling when i saw Mrs Aw and Mrs Chee. Memories are a funny thing. Got to go do PW now...

Die and be free of pain or live to fight your sorrow....-Auron FF10

there isn't much

2005-10-22T21:08:00.000+08:00

it's just PW and chinese for now, with splashes of training here and there.

do maths tutorial, write 3 essays and a reflection. 3200 words. handwritten. sigh... all for PW.

i don't want to write the essays at all. should i be naughty and not do it? ...

marianne got me something for my bday, part of my prez she says. hello kitty linked it seems. goodness what is it? not a toy, not a key chain. so what can it be?... got to wait and see. curious curious...

report

2005-10-20T19:00:00.000+08:00

Right got back my grades... at least i'm promoted.

I shall state both my grade and my percentile.

Chemistry- D (65%)
Economics- E (21%)
Mathematics- E (16%)
General Paper- B3 (90%)
Chinese- B3 (56%)

Can someone explain how the HELL i got B3 for GP?

I suck at chemistry, I'm not good enough... I have failed myself.

I so need to brush up on economics and maths during the holidays.

The teacher said we are SUPPOSE to ace the chinese paper.

I feel relieved that i'm promoted. yeh...

don't read my labyrinth of a mind

2005-10-18T19:00:00.000+08:00

I am lost. To seek without a purpose. there is nothing to find. the futility of our actions, my actions. i look at my hands, how powerless they are. i feel as though i'm a body without a soul, just moving through this world, conforming to society, to family...if all we are meant to do is live and die after we continue on our species, then what else is left after that? Why do humans create for themselves a 'noble' quest, searching for a higher purpose? is there one? to believe that, one needs faith. i have none, i am primal, seeking to quench the emptiness inside. i am no human, i am a void. the world is not real because it's very foundations are built on the inperfect human mind. we have created a world within which we live, and it isn't the real world, the 'Savage Garden' which existed long before our coming and still does today.

I question if my emotional ties with those around me are real or created, true or but a facade. I care and feel and yet i can take a 3rd person view and not have a heart for anything. I do but do not do so of my mind. It is as though nothing feels...like something at all.

I have a routine just to keep my mind out of this rubbish i have. I fill my time up least my mind wanders. I seek solace in company, but it is temporary. The darkness grows and recedes. Never ending, ever waiting. Perhaps someday far from now i'll lose it, lose control...

Warm yet dark, open yet closed, empty yet passionate,controlled yet destructive.

I grow weak of this charade. Estuans Interius Ira Vehementi.

I need to bat and pitch. It helps to release the pressure. I love the sun, it brings warmth i fear i have too little of.

Am i troubled person on the whole? not too sure, don't think so to pple i meet. This blog was never meant for complaining, it was, is meant for exploration.

Just read written by Anne Rice. Might explain my mood. I think i'm vainglorious like Lestat, and i too will never have something i want so intensely. Like a flame it consumes my every fibre, but it'll burn and heal, burn and heal, perhaps for eternity.

I have a crush, shit...now is not the time...only marianne knows my dark secret sigh, let it stay that way.

I try to be true but i don't know, am i? I can't show my darkness, and that makes me incomplete. a porthole.